How do you react when things go wrong? Do you feel a sense of shock, a sense of 'how can this happen to me?' Do you find yourself getting angry? Do you immediately start identify someone to blame for the problem even before you have clearly established what exactly has happened?
If this describes your typical response to difficulties that you encounter on daily basis then you are not alone.
Human beings have understood that there is no effect without a cause and we are always looking for the cause behind the phenomena that we experience. Our search is not always rational, however. When things happen that we don't like, we become emotionally involved. This is not surprising, but it can mislead us.
When we are emotionally aroused, it's hard for us to think clearly. Our 'fight or flight' responses are activated, whether we like it or not. We see things in black and white way, with no room for shades of gray. This makes us feel very certain of our own view of things and unable to admit alternative explanations. We feel 'under attack' and so are on the look out for an 'enemy'. Who has done this to me?
If we do find someone on whom we can pin the blame for a problem we are facing, it's very tempting to go right ahead and lambaste them without looking into the matter any further. This is because; blaming someone can feel immensely satisfying.
In your calmer moments, you can probably easily see why the blame game is a fool's game. The hunt for scapegoats can distract you from the real issue - which is finding the real root cause of a problem so that you can address it properly. You may find your scapegoat, and totally miss the root cause. Which means your unresolved problem is likely to return to haunt you.
In such cases, looking for someone to blame is completely inappropriate. Repeated instances of blaming can seriously corrode your relationships with colleagues, friends and family.
You will have understood from the above that the essential ingredient in adopting a new way to handle difficulty and disappointment is emotional control. To avoid blame seeking, you need a calm and dispassionate mind. If your emotions become aroused, you need to be able to calm down again and see the bigger picture.
When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don't blame the lettuce. You look into the reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or our family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and arguments. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love and the situation will change. - Thich Nhat Hanh
All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy. - Wayne Dyer
Every man is the architect of his own life. He builds it just the way he wants it. However, after he has built what he wants, he sometimes decides that he doesn't like what he has built and looks for someone or something to blame instead of changing himself. - Sydney Madwed
Your life is the fruit of your own doing. You have no one to blame but yourself. - Joseph Campbell
People who are out to find fault seldom find anything else. It is a waste of time, no matter how much you find fault, it is not going to change anything. It's better to find a remedy. - Dye James
The first step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one. When you blame others, you give up your power to change. When you blame others, you give up your power and responsibility in a situation. You are making yourself the victim. In general, victims have no control over their situations, therefore no power to change anything.
"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness" is a Chinese proverb meaning better to do something about a problem than just complain about it. Further, a candle is a small answer to a large problem, but it is still a worthy step in the right direction, rather than just bemoaning the problem of darkness.
People who continually "pass the buck" or blame others suffer usually from a sense of worthlessness or low self esteem.
Ninety-nine percent of all failures come from people who have a habit of making excuses. - George Washington Carver
A bad workman always blames his Tools: A bad workman will never find a good tool. Even If a bad workman is given good tools he will not be able to make use of them because he lacks the basic skills and is inefficient. The sad part is that he is never prepared to accept his own deficiency in training, drawbacks and blemishes. He invariably attributes the poor workmanship to the tools. The carpenter was angry that the piece of wood was cut too short and was an example of the saying that a bad workman always blames his tools. Similarly, a student who is not prepared for the examination tries to get away by saying that the paper was tough.
The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely the one who dropped it. - Lou Holtz
Blame, complain and making excuses are what will make us lose control over our own life and destiny. To take back control, we must stop blaming, complaining and making excuses and assume 100% full responsibility for everything we do and experience in our lives. I am amazed at people who say 'I am late because of traffic'. These people can never be on time, because they don't take responsibility.
Have you ever heard the saying that when you point a finger at someone else, you have three fingers pointing back at you? In fact it's impossible to point a finger of blame at anything or anyone else without pointing three fingers at yourself.
Similarly, pointing the thumb and not the finger means to accept responsibility for your actions. It's so easy to blame someone else or other circumstances for your failures or lack of results. Take ownership of your own future; write your own book of business!
No more external excuses; exercise personal accountability! The true professional takes his hand and closes the four fingers leaving only the thumb extended and points it directly at himself. The thumb naturally points that way. Try pointing your thumb at someone else. It's not natural and very difficult! It's almost as difficult as pointing your finger at someone else and expecting that to solve the problem. Point the thumb and not the finger and you will be better off for it.